No way out

I feel so alone and empty. Last time I felt like this was a year ago, then too right after a breakup. I felt like when I was left alone, I lost pieces inside of me. But then she came in to my life and she managed to fill those spaces. Now that she left too, I not only feel like all those former spaces are open again, but she tore new ones and her's are deeper than anything from before.
Last time I managed to move on thanks to her and alcohol. This time I have no idea how will I ever survive. Drinking doesn't help anymore and I don't have anyone in my life, who could replace her. I'm afraid.
Not only that, I feel like everyone else in my life left me too. I feel like all of my friends have lost interest. That they wouldn't even talk to me if I didn't start the conversation and even when I do, they don't care about my problems. They just keep me around because they don't have the guts to stop.
I'm getting sick of this life. When I'm with people, I think they're only with me because they feel sorry for me and when I'm alone I just sit in my room and wait until it's late enough to go to bed. And when I finally do, I just lay there for couple of hours, because I can't sleep.

Save me from myself

I can't make it alone

All I ask of you

Is to release me from my pain

Haunting me

Recently, I've been feeling an urge to move away. To move to another city to study and just start a new life. I've never thought about it before. There always seemed to be something that kept me here. But now it's all changing. I only have three friends here, who I don't want to leave behind. Then of course there's the band I play in. ...and that's pretty much it. Those are pretty much the only reasons that I feel keeping me here. But there are so many reasons why I'd want to go. This house, these streets, these people, everything reminds me of her and I don't know how much longer I can take it.

My flaws are the only thing left that's pure

Can't really live, can't really endure

Everything I see reminds me of her
God I wish I didn't care anymore

Slipknot - Everything ends

When my brother moved out, I got his old room, which was bigger than mine. She moved there with me and I always thought this as our room and not mine. But now she's gone and the room feels empty and lonely.
I don't know do I want to escape the room, the people or my life all together, but what I do know is: I want out.
I'll probably be too much of a coward to leave my past behind and start anew, but living here is agony. I've been trying to fill my free time recently, so I don't have to be home alone, but of course I can't escape it.
I just want out.

Now I see the times they change

Leaving doesn't seem so strange

I am hoping I can find

Where to leave my hurt behind

All the shit I seem to take

All alone I seem to break

I have lived the best I can

Does this make me not a man?

KoЯn - Alone I break

Escaping from the pain

I've become really apathetic recently. I feel like there's this empty hole inside of me, that brings me immeasurable pain. I try to hide from that void, by escaping all my emotions. I just walk around and do the things I have to do to keep walking around. Like a zombie.

I'm haven't truly been happy since she left me. I might smile, I might laugh, but I have this nagging sensation in the back of my head that keeps me from being truly happy. It's my pain, demanding to be felt.

When I think about it, all the times I've been truly happy in the last five years or so, are the times I've been together with someone and with her, I was happiest I've ever been.

I'm afraid I'll never be truly happy again. That I'll never again meet someone who can make me as happy as she did. That I'll never get over the pain she left me with. I'll just thrift through my life, with everything feeling just kind of...meh. That scares me more than anything, being all alone, hiding from my feelings.

Everything hurts

This pain is inside of me

It will never leave

Just leave me to my misery

Lost

Sometimes I feel like I exist surrounded by transparent walls, with no way in or out. I just stand there, behind these walls, watching other people walk by, living their lives, blissfully ignorant of the pain I feel every day. They can't get in and they don't show any sign of ever desiring to do so. They look at me, see me standing there, and keep living. This goes to strangers (of course), but also friends and family. People who claim to know me.

The fucked up part is that I've built these walls myself and keep them up, even though it killing me. I keep them up and even if I'd want to get out, I can't. I just keep standing behind my walls, watching them be happy and feeling miserable.

There are only handful of people I've ever let come inside my walls and all of them have left me worse than before. Every time some get's trough and I let them in, they crush me and the walls grow that much thicker. This makes me harder and harder to let anyone else in.

I'm afraid I'll stay here forever. That I just keep smiling out, even though inside I'm dying. I can't get out and I'm growing more and more afraid of letting anyone else come in. These walls contain my labyrinth, or to put it in the words of my own lyrics, my maze of misery. I feel lost in myself. I can't get out. Only way out by myself is death.

I'm not even sure if anyone can help me out. They can only come in and make my life tolerable for awhile, then they all leave, I get more lost and the walls get higher.

The worst part is that I'm too afraid to let anyone else know I'm suffering. I just smile. Tell them I'm all right. That I just want to be left alone, even though I don't.

I don't want people to really know me, because if they do and leave it hurts a lot more, than strangers leaving. So all my relationships with outsiders are superficial. To others, I'll just be paper. 2D. With no deeper meaning. But behind that facade I hide all the pain and suffering of my past, my present and my future.

All I do is smile

Like everything's all right

Even though I'm dying inside

I'm getting sick of all these lies

But I can't let them know

My labyrinth keeps me inside and the walls keep others outside. I'm too weak to get out and too afraid to let anyone in. This is where I was born, where I live and where I die...alone.

You are stuck forever

In the maze of misery

Only death will free you

From the maze of misery

The five stages

So there's this theory from psychology I've been thinking a lot lately called Kübler-Ross model or the five stages of grief/death/loss. What it says is that when a person experiences something tragic such as a death of a relative, they all experience the same stages to cope. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Apparently, they're supposed to happen in that order. I've been going through these stages myself lately, but not really in that order. First denial, then anger, bargaining and depression all at once. So I wanted to share my experiences with these, one stage at a time.

1. Denial:
At first, when our relationship started to fall apart, I was in deep denial. I just couldn't believe that it would actually end, even though it was pretty clear that it would. I couldn't cope with the idea, that it would happen again so I just denied myself of all the thoughts of breaking up.
I think it's normal to think at first that it's not true. Especially in this situation. But the fact is that it ended and then I got past this stage. The next three stages for me happened simultaneously, but I'll still talk about them one at a time.

2. Anger:
Anger for me is the one, that I dislike the most. I don't want to be angry at her and I'll never show it to others, but there are times (especially at night) I think things like "How could she do this to me? After everything I did for her"
For me these thoughts are something I'm actually ashamed of. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to blame her. I don't blame her. I'm angry at myself for being angry at her.
I hate the feeling of anger. I just feel it's an useless emotion. What's to gain for me to be angry at her? It won't bring her back. It won't make me feel better. Anger just fuels more anger, and I don't like it. But I can't help it. Especially when I have a feeling, that she already has found someone else... I haven't confronted her about this yet, because I don't want to see her, but that's the main thing that makes me angry.

3. Bargaining:
Bargaining part means, that I'm trying to do something, to persuade her to get back together with me. For me this happens subconsciously. I'm pretty sure if she asked me to get back together, I couldn't do it. Still I've been having an urge to do things she wanted me to do, when we were together, that I never came around to then. Somehow I feel, that if I do them now, she'd want me back even though I know she won't.
I guess this has it's benefits though. The things I've been doing are things that I also wanted to do, but been too lazy or scared to do them. So thanks to this stage, I'm getting shit done. It still hurts though.

4. Depression:
So this is the shittiest stage in my opinion. From time to time I feel that I don't want to keep going without her. She was the best and the biggest thing in my otherwise lousy life and now I just feel empty. I feel like my life has lost all its meaning. Due to this, I'd just want to lay on the bed all day, doing nothing. Also I've lost my appetite.
For me, this stage has also brought up the feeling of worthlessness. I feel like I'm never going to be good enough for anyone, since I wasn't enough for someone who told me she loved me. At times I think I'm not allowed to love. That the universe won't allow me to be happy with anyone. That there's nothing good about me, that anyone would ever love.

5. Acceptance:Now this is the stage when it's finally over. Where you're finally over the thing that bothered you. I'd love to tell you about this stage, but I'm still in the stages 2-4. They're all happening at once and it's really hard for me to handle. I just want to get over her, since apparently she got over me pretty fast, but I just can't. I still feel like shit every day and keep going trough the three middle stages.
For me the final stage will probably take a lot of time. Especially since my life is pretty lonely now. I just don't have any way to deal with my feelings. So I'll just stay at home, alone and wait.

Welcome to my mind

It's been two weeks since it all fell apart. Five days since it finally ended. Since she left...
Everything happend so fast I couldn't grasp it. From the beginning everything moved forward really fast, maybe too fast. It just kept going and going forward until it couldn't go any further and then it just stopped. And no it's gone.
Every day I feel physically sick. Every day I feel the absence of her, like a part of me was missing.
I don't blame her. I just couldn't keep her happy. It always goes like this. I try and try and in the end it's me who's left behind. That's how it's always been. I was a fool to think this time things would be different. It's always the same.
I don't even know why I'm writing this. I'm not writing it to be read by anyone. Especially her. But she probably will and to that all I have to say, don't feel bad for me. These are just things for me that have to be said, not necessarily heard.
Sometimes I just wish I didn't  care this much, but that's life. I can't change how I feel. All I can do is hold on and hope for the best.

Me and my life

I haven't blogged in a long time and now I don't know how to start. Last time I tried all I did was talk about how there was nothing to talk about. But maybe against my better judgement I've decided to try again. I guess for starters I'll just tell you a bit about who I am.

Me and my lovely bass Nikki

So Hi. My name is Simo and I live in Helsinki Finland. I'm 19 years old. As you can probably tell by the picture I'm a bit of a musician. I play bass and guitar. Music is one of the most important things in my life and I don't think I would still be alive if I hadn't picked up a guitar when I was nine. Of course back then I didn't really practice. I took lessons but when I got home, I wouldn't even touch the thing. Because of this I believe I truly started playing guitar at around 12-13. I started playing bass when I was 17 and once I became the bassist of my band I found out much I liked it. I'll probably tell more about my musical background and stuff like that in a later post.

    I've always been considered smart by most, but I never got good grades. I was a curious kid and it stuck on, so now I know a lot of random facts (For example, Titanic the movie cost almost three times as much to make as Titanic the ship), but I can't really do anything with them. But still, I'm interested in science, history, culture and pretty much everything you can imagine, except politics.

   Currently I live with my mother. I also have a brother who's 1,5 years older than me. He just moved out, so for now it's just us two, and my girlfriend Nina. She's here a lot nowadays (I think last week she only spent two nights home) so I guess you could say she lives here too.

Nina and me, the day I graduated from high school (which explains my hat)

Me and Nina have been together for 5 months on the 12th. That time has been the best of my life so far. She truly makes me happy and I love her for it. There have been times, when I thought I couldn't keep going but she kept my sanity with me and I'm grateful every day that I'm lucky enough to have her in my life. Honey, I know you'll read this sooner or later and all I'll anymore is thank you so much, for being with me.

   Ok now I think I've run out of stuff to write about. Music, smartassnes (Is that even a word? Well it is now) and Nina. That's pretty much my life right now. I have a job, but to explain that situation will pretty much take an entire post on it self (since I presume not all of the readers are Finnish and don't understand our military system) so yeah, that's about it. I think I'll try to post here around once a week but no promises.